President Obama has been on a world tour in recent weeks. He seems to be apologizing to the world and promising a more humble America. While better relations with the rest of the world is not a bad thing, I think the President has been overdoing it. Any day now I expect him to give the following speech:
"My fellow citizens of the world. I come to you tonight on behalf of a more humble America. I mean, we are really humble right now. The stock market is way down. Nobody wants to buy the cars we make and my recent stimulus package means we are going to owe billions and billions more to the rest of the world.
Recently I have traveled the globe and acknowledged American arrogance and promised a new vision of international relations. I am going to be the listening President. Sure sometimes you rail against us and call us the Great Satan, but I want to understand why you think we are the great Satan and to make sure we are still delivering those relief supplies to your country in a timely fashion. Just because you call us names and burn our flag does not mean we should delay the billions in aid we provide every year.
But I digress. First I want to say to our great friend, Great Britain, I am sorry about the whole 1776 thing. It was arrogant for a group of men to think they simply had the right to end a relationship that had lasted for centuries, particularly over something like taxes. It certainly was not humble to declare independence. Who did we think we were?
To Great Britain, Germany and France I want to say I am sorry we intervened, twice in the last century, in your affairs. We should have let you settle your own differences. Sure it sort of seemed lopsided until we got involved, but what gave us the right to intervene other than some vague notion of preventing tyranny? I say no more. Next time you are on your own.
To North Korea I say, cool rocket. How about we just be friends?
To Iran I say, I understand that there are many peaceful uses for plutonium, let us know what you come up with. We respect you.
There are a few other things I would like to apologize for and acknowledge as arrogant.
First, The New York Yankees. 26 world championships? That is just overdoing it. Other teams should have a chance to win and my administration will look into ways to make that happen. Perhaps the Yankees will have to get four outs an inning.
Second, reality television. We are sorry we have asked the world to keep up with the Kardashians or have anything to do with Flava Flav's love life.
Finally, country music, especially those pro-America songs by Toby Keith and Brooks & Dunn. We have no right to impose our pride on everyone else.
I am sure there are more things we do wrong, but these are just a few. I pledge to the world that we will be a more humble nation. We will not try so hard to win at the next Olympics. An Argentinian just won the Masters, so we are making progress. The heavyweight champion is some Russian guy. As Americans, we don't want to stand out, we just want to be part of the crowd."
Do we think that would make the world like us a little better?
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